Deep Thoughts Thursday

Note:  Because of an email from V, I have been reminded that I wrote this but never posted it.  It warrants a new label of "sometimes I'm serious."  It is rare, but sometimes I venture into the thought provoking realm of my life.

One problem issue challenge in my life is my lack of ability to K.I.S.S.  (Not that kind of kiss...I'm obv. awesome at that kind.)  I'm talking about this:

Imagine this scenario:
You are asked a simple question.  Is the glass half empty or half full?

Most individuals, depending on their optimistic or pessimistic perceptions, would answer either half empty or half full.  In other words, they K.I.S.S.  I would say it depends.  It depends on how much you filled the glass.  If you only partially filled the glass then it's half full, but if you filled the glass to the top then drank half of it then it's half empty.

This is how I deal with life.  I can't just make a decision and go with it.  I need to consider all the options, weigh the pros and cons, talk it over with multiple people...and by that time the opportunity has usually passed me by.  I get so caught up in the what ifs.  In short...I think too much. 

In my head, I know that life is basically a series of experiences and mistakes that you learn and grow from.  And I know that you can never plan for everything.  Things will happen that are out of your control and you have to adapt and move on.  But I'm terrified of making mistakes.  Of making the wrong choice.

Take running for example.  Most people who want to run put on sneakers and start running.  They work up to a certain distance and call themselves a runner.  I feel the need to research the sport.  Read about it, learn the language, buy new sneakers and learn the correct running form before I even step on to a track.  Case in point, I'm reading a book called, "The Courage to Start" by John Bingham.  It is about learning how to run for beginners.  In the introduction, Bingham says:

"We all need to live out our dreams.  We need to spend less time planning and organizing and more time doing.  We need to spend less time worrying about doing things well and more time rejoicing that we are doing them at all."

True story.

I am learning that I'll never feel 100% ready for anything new.  But that shouldn't hold me back from trying to accomplish it.  So I'm going to try and think less, do more...although I am still going to buy new sneakers first.

Sorry I got all serious on you.  I promise I'll post something inane tomorrow.  Like the time I tried to peel a grapefruit...or the time I ate a lime thinking it would be sweet...or the time I almost drove into a fence...or the time...you get the idea.
   

Wednesday Truths

Yesterday I subbed for an inclusion assistant.  You can read about my earlier adventures in subbing here.  I did close to nothing babysat all day and it was the longest 6 hours of my life.  Reminiscent of when I worked the fitting room at Old Navy at 9:00 AM on weekday mornings.  There is only a certain number of times you can put on a runway show for one before you feel stupid.

I've had a very busy last four days so Monday night I was going to turn my phone off so I wouldn't hear any calls about subbing.  I know it had only been one day and it's way too soon to start ignoring calls for work.  So I left my phone on and got called to sub.  I went back into my room to start getting ready and there was a HUGE spider crawling on my bed blankets.  I really wanted to take a photo because it was seriously large but I couldn't risk it getting away.  It needed to die ASAP.  So for the second day in a row, I found myself murdering a spider.

I hung out in 6th grade for the day.  The kids were preparing for a play about ancient civilizations so they talked about Athens and Sparta all day.  Every time I heard the word Sparta, I was all, "I AM SPARTA!" in my head and I wanted to laugh out loud.

After school, I played grown up and FINALLY did my taxes (at my parent's house so I got a free dinner and free laundry).  Sadly, I owe money for state taxes and am getting a pittance back from the Feds so no iPad reward.  (Every year I buy myself a present with my tax refund.  It's like Christmas 2.0!)

Before I left my parent's house last night, a spider descended from the ceiling fan, riding on its web spinning, string thing. (I'm sure there is a proper name for this.)  I saw it dangling in the air and tried to coax my dog into eating it.  She was having none of that.  For the THIRD time in two days I murdered a spider.  At what point do I become a spider serial killer?  And will someone please lie to me and tell me that all of these spiders mean good luck is coming my way.

When I got home last night, I had a voicemail about subbing for today.  I didn't call back.  But I'm justifying it by the fact that I should be rewarded for doing my taxes, I needed a good nights sleep like whoa, and I will be all kinds of productive today.  GTL baby!  If "T" stands for "the bank."  Also grocery shopping and tutoring...in the rain...although my raincoat is in my car and I am in my warm, dry apartment.  Can we say dilemma?

Amy Does Subbing: Day One

My recap as promised.

6:32 AM  The phone rings and I don't know what is happening.  I manage to grab it, stumble out of bed into the other room (which is the only room in my apt. where I get cell service) and agree to play teacher for the day.

6:33 AM  Not quite conscious yet, I try to do the math to see if I have time to go back to sleep.  I don't.

7:15 AM  I realize that avoiding laundry has finally caught up to me.  I put on pants.  Just pants.

7:20 AM  Blow dry my hair wearing only pants.

7:30 AM  Remind myself I cannot leave the house without a shirt.  Dig a shirt out of some clean(?) laundry on the floor.  No judgement!

7:45 AM  Make this for lunch.  Are you jealous?  Don't fret it's only raspberry jam.

8:30 AM  Decide I don't like 5th graders.

8:31 AM  Reconsider teacher career.

10:00 AM  Murdered a spider after two girls screamed while watering the class plants.

12:30 PM  Was ignored by the staff at lunch.  Took photos in the bathroom so I could mock them.  (There was a third sign across from the toilet.)

Noted.

1:30 PM  Watched a video about coral polyps.  File under: Things I never needed to know.

2:00 PM  Best part of the day.  During Social Studies:

Amy:  What is the Constitution?

Student:  It's a stool.

Amy: blink blink  What?  No.

Student:  Yeah it's a stool.  With the seat and the three legs.  The three different parts.

Amy: OH...You mean it's like a stool.  The three branches of government are the legs.  The stool is a metaphor.

Student: blink blink What?

Amy:  face palm

2:45 PM  Leave school.

2:55 PM  Return to school to retrieve my water bottle.

After school I needed a nap like whoa but I played basketball threw a basketball at a net and went for a walk with K to enjoy the beautiful day.

Basically, I'm Famous

Today I am the featured guest poster over at Jumble Mash!  Be jealous.

She published my  "Open Letter to Minivan Owners and Operators" post from the award winning series Nobody Writes Letters Anymore.

Sorry I didn't make you aware of my awesomeness earlier but I played teacher today.

  

Guess Who Is Being A Productive Member Of Society Today?

This girl.

Don't blow it Amy.

Recap to come...obv.


   

Six on Sunday: Ornithology Edition

FYI:  In my spare time I'm kind of a bird whisperer.

1.  "I'll chew your finger off if you don't get away from that puddle.  My kids want to go swimming."

2.  "U-G-L-Y I ain't got no alibi, I'm ugly.  Oh and I used to be a dinosaur."

3.  "You talkin' to me?  Who the fuck do you think your talkin' to?" 

4.  "Yes, I'm going to swallow it whole.  What?"

5.  "You fuck my wife?  You fuck my wife?"

6.  "I'm sorry.  All I heard was blah, blah, blah, I'm a dirty tramp."

  

Saturday Looks Like This

Type a blog at 1:15 am.  Use italics...just because.

Go to bed at 1:30 am.

Wake up at 7:00 am.

Put on pants.

Dunks.

Drive 1.5 hours to Western MA by 9:00 am.

Do crafty things with pictures like these:

Dinner with N.

Drive 1.5 hours back to Eastern MA.

Blog stalk all my lovers.

Pass out.  Hopefully before it becomes Sunday.

  

Apparently I Eat Bananas Like A Monkey...

...which according to K is the wrong way. 

First, let's discuss the important parts of a banana.

The "human way" to open a banana is to hold the bottom and use the stem as a pull tab.  Sometimes it opens cleanly and sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes instead of opening, the stem bends in on itself smooshing the best part of the banana.  This can often be rectified by cutting the stem off or by splitting the peel with a finger nail.

Monkeys and myself, open the banana from the bottom.  You just pinch the gross part on the bottom and it splits like a banana.  (Get it?  Banana splits?)

Then you are faced with the nasty bit of the banana which you can just get rid of.  Or if you are a real expert, it is possible to pinch the bottom so that nasty bit breaks off in the peel.

There are many benefits to eating a banana like a monkey.  You get to save the best bit for last and almost all those thick banana strings stick to the peel so you don't have to pick them off.  Win-Win!

So next time you have a banana open it from the bottom.  Prove K wrong and it just might change your life.

Note:  Unlike a monkey, I do take the entire peel off before I eat a banana.  Maybe that is what K meant when she said I eat bananas the wrong way.  Hmmm.

Let's Play Another Game

Since yesterday's game was so popular, let's play another one shall we?  I'm going to give you three sentences and you tell me the missing word.

___________ taught me the value of hard work.
___________ helped pay for my education.
___________ taught me the value of serving others.

If you guessed The Army, you are
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WRONG!

For the correct answer, please watch the following:



WTF...Is this for real?!? 

I saw this commercial last night and I laughed out loud.  Did Hooters think, "Hey, it worked for the Army to talk about values and paying for education...why not us?"

The best part most horrifying part is the blond elementary teacher.*  Two things:
1. Why is serving wings to horny men comparable to educating the youth of America?
2. Who would bring their kids to eat at Hooters?  Do people really do that?  I've never been to Hooters but it doesn't scream family friendly dining to me.

In fact this is what comes to mind:



The newscaster says, "This is great because so often people think that Hooters waitresses, they don't think they have any skills outside of pouring drinks."  Um...yes...that is exactly what I think.  And her "skill" is followed by a Wings for Kids message.  Who would watch this on the news then bring their kids there for wings?!? 

I don't even...

*Also, that kid should NOT being using pen to do his work.  And, you NEVER correct papers with Expo markers, they are for white boards ONLY!

  

And We Have A WINNER!!!

Thanks to everyone who participated.  You each earned 5 AWESOME points!  Everyone else...minus 2.

AND THE WINNER IS:

Congrats Tracy!  Your prizes are on the way. 
Hint:  They are a semi-translucent tan color, red writing, two handles, make a crinkle sound...

Items: 23
Bags: 10

SERIOUSLY?  I could have easily packed ALL of these items in 2 reusable canvas bags.  There may be some protocol about bagging meats with veggies but come on.  I don't care if my cold pizza dough touches my non-cold apples.

Moral of the story:  Don't forget your reusable grocery bags.