Thursday, December 9, 2010

An Open Letter to Minivan Owners and Operators

Dear Minivan Owners and Operators,
Why?  Why is it always YOU tailgating me in rush hour traffic?  Why do you always insist on traveling 5 mph faster than anyone else on the highway?  Why do you yammer away on your cell phone simultaneously pushing 80 mph while solar glare is blinding everyone else on the road?  Why do you weave in and out of every lane like you're Mario and Donkey Kong is about to shoot a turtle shell at your ass?* 
Perhaps you have been lured into a false sense of security by every minivan commercial that touts top of the line safety features.  Let me assure you that your reckless driving fully negates ANY safety features your vehicle may or may not have.

I'm not going to lie and lead you to believe that I obey every limit and law as a motorist.  Don't think that I won't pass you on the right if you are driving 65 mph in the left lane...because I will.  But I always go the speed limit on the Lowell Connector (more out of fear of being pulled over than anything else) and I make a conscious effort to keep my driving habits from pissing anyone off.

Because you are the owner/operator of a minivan, I am assuming that you have and/or transport children in your chariot of death.  Not only are you risking my life (which I happen to be quite fond of) but you are endangering tiny humans.  If nothing else, you are instilling poor driving habits in future generations.

So please, for the sake of everyone (but mostly myself) slow the fuck down...because I promise, if you maim me or my car, this letter will seem like rainbows and sunshine.


*If you are a minivan owner or operator and none of these apply to you then kudos to you and your driving record.  Your fenders thank you.


  1. As someone that ONCE put 5K + miles on my BICYCLE per year... It was ALWAYS women driving minivans that would nearly drive you off the road! Go to any cycling blog and you will see the same outrage.

    I think these are the same women that have "BABY ON BOARD" signs hanging from their windows...YOU have to get out of THEIR way! Maybe they have a lot of pent up hostility being minivan drivers? Maybe they would prefer being in a 2-seater sans kiddos?!


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