Letters are my Favorite...Spiders are NOT

Dear The Weather Channel,

I just want the weather. Not this:

Tell me how hot it will be. Tell me when it will rain. Maybe tell me when there will be a super cool moon but that's it.

XOXO,

Amy

  

An Open Letter

Dear Apartment Management,

Let me preface this by saying THIS IS MY LAST WEEK OF SUMMER VACATION and I'm trying to enjoy every single bit of it.

So imagine my regret when I answered the phone at 6:30 pm on Sunday night (I foolishly thought it might be about a job interview...on Sunday night I should have known better) and you told me you'd be here in the morning to do something to my water (I'm still unclear)...and I agreed.

Like any person enjoying their last days of vacation, I was up until 6:20 AM and dutifully set my alarm for a few hours later. I thought about just sleeping and ignoring any phone calls and/or knocking. But that would inevitably cause me anxiety and guilt. So I dragged my sleeping self out of bed, picked up the laundry, washed the dishes, and put on pants for my water testing visitors.

AND THEN, the phone rang just 5 minutes after they were supposed to be here (not too bad for apartment fixer people). But it was just you telling me that they WERE NOT coming. Are you kidding me?!

You then wanted to reschedule for Wednesday of this week. I told you that I might not be here as I might be out enjoying my last days of vacation. You claimed to understand and said, "well this is important to us but you need to do what you need to do."

Yes. Yes I do. And I don't need you to affirm that I'm allowed to leave my apartment.

Look, I understand this is a first world problem, and this absolutely wasn't the first blog post I'd write since taking a six month hiatus, but let's me real: I'm really just an 80 year old curmudgeon in a 30-something's body. ← Writing 30-something nearly gave me a panic attack. That is another post altogether.


XOXO,
Amy


P.S. As always, stay tuned for part 2: Will Amy be home on Wednesday for the water testing people?



   

Dear 2012,

Where do I even begin? You were everything and nothing that I expected. Instead of lamenting all the, "I wish I did ____ this year" thoughts, let's take a look at what I did manage to do this year. Day by day and week by week, my life seems rather inconsequential and boring. But when you look at it retrospectively, perspective shifts. Forgotten are the days full of laziness, the disappointments, and the little frustrations. What you are left with is highlights of a year (hopefully) well spent.

In January I set some pretty easy New Year's Resolutions and became a Mac user. I started the year off strong on the fitness front and completed my 50 mile challenge. I walked, biked, and ellipticalled away the cold winter days. I started a new year full of adventures in second grade. And began the frantic process of trying to complete and recap my 30 Before 30 list.

In February I turned the big 29+1. I managed to celebrate instead of bemoan my big birthday. Immediately following my birthday I was harshly thrust into the world of adulthood. In one week I managed to deal with the leaking and destruction of my bathroom ceiling and attend a scary DUA hearing where I had to represent myself to resolve a dispute over my unemployment benefits.

In March I took biking to the next level and biked an entire marathon! It seemed like a really good idea and I was glad that I was able to accomplish it but man on man, did certain parts of my body hate it. I created a soundtrack of my 30th year. And I hung out with crazy second graders and stayed mostly healthy while they all got the plague.

In April I was almost bankrupted paying taxes on the previous year's unemployment benefits. That was another harsh grownup lesson. I supported the entertainment industry by seeing The Hunger Games and Titanic 3D in theaters. I managed to escape to Maine for a few days to relax and recharge during school vacation.

In May I spent a lot of time not blogging. I had some serious thoughts about the passing of time. I also took lots of pictures of clouds.

In June school ended. I dog sat while my parents took off for Alaska and I watched soooo much Dawson's Creek. I created a Summer Fun List of activities that I wanted to do over the summer to make it as memorable as possible. I went back to Maine and the BFF's Weddingpalooza officially began. I ordered a dress, we made invitations, and spent lots of time being overly girly.

In July I visited my first lighthouse of the summer and visiting every lighthouse in Maine officially became a new obsession. I drove west to catch up with an old friend and reminisced at Katie's with soft serve. In one exhausting but amazing weekend, I helped the BFF celebrate her bachelorette party and bridal shower.

In August I was insanely busy. I tutored, I traveled, and I went back to school. M came to visit and we explored Boston, Concord, Salem and Maine in 5 days. I headed to Vermont for the BFF's wedding weekend and wore lots of pretty dresses. My best work friends moved away. After some last minute tutoring, I returned to school to new adventures in 3rd grade.

In September I explored museums and apple orchards. I registered to vote, sat through the first of many boring graduate classes, and had a smoothie disaster. I said goodbye to summer and hello to fall. I created a short Fall Fun List of things that make fall so wonderful.

In October it rained a lot. It was warm and swampy and nothing like the brisk and clear October that I love. I listened to Mumford and Sons over and over while I ran and walked many, many miles. I watched and live-blogged some of the Presidential debates, celebrated 10/11/12, and made it through Hurricane Sandy. Halloween came and went without any pumpkin carving.

In November I finally joined the 21st century and got an iPhone! I voted for president and found a lot of money on the ground. I enjoyed the sunny, brisk October-like weather and headed to Maine to celebrate Thanksgiving with my parents.

In December I was super crafty. I made my own advent calendar and holiday cards. I used the money I found at the mall to donate things to the food pantry, Toys for Tots, and the hat and mitten drive at school. I celebrated 12/12/12 and baked a lot of cupcakes. I mourned the loss of life and innocence in Connecticut. I survived the end of the world, celebrated Christmas and completed the 2nd Annual, Unofficial Boxing Day 5K.

So 2012 I don't really know what I expected from you. I think the main take away from this year is that life is messy and you can't really plan for anything. You just have to make the best of what you have and try as hard as you can to enjoy yourself along the way.

Here's hoping for a wonderful 2013!

XOXO,
Amy

Dear Walmart,

I hate shopping in your store. But alas, you are the only store which carries mason jars year round. After 3 failed trips, I finally found the jars I needed today. So thanks for that.

But, I wanted to discuss your Santa situation.

You have a Santa outside collecting change alongside the Salvation Army peeps. AND you have a different one inside wishing customers a Merry Christmas. One is skinny, one is fat. One has the 'Santa' beard and one looks like homeless Santa.

Are you trying to confuse all of the children?  They've already seen Santa at the mall and now there are two of them at Walmart? How do parents explain this?

XOXO,

Amy

P.S. Thanks for restocking the mason jars though.

Dear Target,

I just can't quit you. I went to get multi colored lights and found myself wandering aimlessly through the Christmas aisle. I began to covet random things to decorate clutter my apartment. Things like painted deer... 

And giant, knitted ornament balls that would be too large to put on a tree.

Also, sweater covered candle holders. Although I fear that these would be flammable so I refrained.

A shiny, metal owl did end up in my cart. At first it was so cute, but the more I look at it, the more alien-like and creepy it is. Maybe it needs a santa hat? 

XOXO, 

Amy

Dear Mitt Romney,

We are 7 minutes into the 3rd debate. First you said we can't kill our way out of trouble in the Middle East. Two minutes later you said we need to kill the bad guys.

I'm done.

Obama better wipe the floor with you tonight because, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think being a former governor of Massachusetts means your foreign policy experience is limited.

XOXO,
Amy

P.S. I love how Fox News is showing the MLB Playoffs instead of the debate. Even they know you don't have anything to say about foreign policy.

P.P.S. You're both whining like little bitches.

My Fellow Americans

Dear The United States,

I have a quick suggestion. What do you say to moving up the national election to next Tuesday? Or perhaps the Tuesday after that if we still need time to print ballots. It's not like everyone doesn't already know who they will be voting for. (And if you don't, what the hell are you waiting for? Inform yourself and make a decision!)

So let's just make it official already. This will be a mutually beneficial solution. We won't have to watch any more political advertisements; and you can take the millions (billions?) of dollars you were planning on spending in the next two months and send it to Chicago so we can get the teachers and their students back into the classroom.

How do we make this happen?

XOXO,
Amy

 

Dear Target,

Is this a trick?

XOXO,
Amy

P.S. Did you sell ANY 50-ct generic Tylenol this week?

 

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

Dear Library,

I recently read the following book:

On the side of the book you affixed the following sticker:

Obviously you have not read this book. The only animal in the story is the horse that pulls the plow. In fact, it is a story about a young boy with promising intellectual abilities who leaves school to return home to help care for his father who has just had a stroke. The boy learns to communicate with his father who can no longer speak and decides to build a barn with his brother and sister. He hopes that having something to look forward to will help his father get better. The boy finishes the barn late one night and decides to wait until morning to show his father. Now, I don't want to ruin the end of the story for you but guess what happens to his father that night?

So dear library, you really shouldn't judge a book by its cover (or title). Some poor, unsuspecting child is going to pick up this book expecting to read about piggies and get quite the life lesson instead.

XOXO,
Amy

On Taxes

It may be uncouth to discuss money but it's totally acceptable to bitch about taxes right?

The cliff notes version is this:

• The government is still screwing with me for being unemployed.
• I have to pay the IRS so much money this year.

The long story is this:

• In 2011, I was unemployed for 9 months. I collected unemployment for 8 of those months.
• No taxes were taken out of my unemployment.
• No one ever told me I should be paying estimated taxes on that money.
• In 2011, I didn't have health insurance for 9 months.
• In Massachusetts, you are required by law to have health insurance or you are monetarily penalized.
• The penalty is cheaper than the health insurance.
• To get off unemployment, I took a full time job where I make LESS than I did on unemployment.
• They charge a penalty fee when your taxes are too high.

So...I had to pay tax on 8 months of unemployment with only 4 months of a crappy wage to balance it out. I had to pay a penalty to the state of Massachusetts for not having health insurance even though I never sought any medical services in those 8 months. I have to pay a penalty because my taxes were too high so the government assumes that I was at fault for filling out a W-4 incorrectly. (I didn't I was just unemployed!) 

In the end, I owed $2000ish. It's a good thing that I won my unemployment hearing back in February and was awarded the money unemployment still owed me...because that is how I am paying my taxes.

To clarify: Government Part A owed me money. I had to go to a hearing at Government Part B to prove I was owed that money. Government Part C delivered that money to my house. Now I have to use Government Part A's money to pay Government Part D's taxes on said Government Part A's money. 

_______________________________________

Dear Government A, B, C, and D,

I am well aware that I was unemployed but do you have to keep kicking me while I'm down? Don't get me wrong, I like roads and schools and stuff but it doesn't feel great to empty my bank account while your "people" have so much money that they can hire people to get them out of paying taxes.

XOXO,

Amy

P.S. Please don't spend my tax money on hookers...I'm looking at you Secret Service.

  

Dear Rose,

You didn't have to let go. See below:

XOXO,
Amy

File under: #Next time cuddle.


    

Drink the Kool-Aid

Dear Second Graders,

When you punch a hole through your Capri Sun pouch I'm going to have to put your juice in a cup. Likewise, if you lose, break, or maim your straw, I'm going to have to cut open your juice box and pour it into a cup. My question to you is this: why do you refuse to drink the juice from a cup but will gladly drink it from the juice carton? IT IS THE SAME JUICE!

XOXO,
Miss C

#File under: juice boxes are an integral part of my day, why are kids so weird?


    

Dear ASPCA,

I know you are trying to save all the puppies. Believe me, if I could adopt them all I would.  But please, PLEASE stop ruining my iTunes library.  The songs Angel, Silent Night, and You Were Always on My Mind will now forever be associated with sad, sick, abused puppies.  So thanks for that.

XOXO,
Amy

 

Steve Jobs & Sarah Palin

Dear Boston.com,

Thank you for having your priorities straight.

XOXO,
Amy

P.S. Steve Jobs: you will be missed.
P.P.S.  Sarah Palin: oh thank God.
P.P.P.S.  Amanda Knox:  Steve Jobs may have just earned you some privacy.

 
   

Chrome is Crashing

Dear Google Chrome,

When I swore off IE8 and downloaded you I was excited at the promise of an internet browser that was reliable and uncrashable.  For 2.8 months we worked together in bliss.  I got to know you...you tracked cookies about me.  But you just had to go and act up.  First, you slowed my internet speed to a mere crawl.  Then, you affected my mouse click-a-bility speed.  The last straw was when you completely crashed, wiping out my desktop theme and ALL of my bookmarks.*  Way to go.

XOXO,
Amy

*While it may have been a virus that acted as the catalyst for your demise, I still blame you.

   

Sayonara IE8

Dear Internet Explorer,

I'm breaking up with you.  All you do is freeze my blog and slow down Facebook.  You do have the privacy feature which lets me sign into two email accounts at the same time.  That is nice.  But sadly, it is not enough.  

You’ve been replaced by Firefox which doesn’t freeze my blog every time I sign in.  Also their fox cuddling with the world logo totally kicks your logos ass.

I would say “It’s not you, it’s me” but that would be a lie.  It’s definitely you.

XOXO,

Amy

  

4 > 1.5

Dear Mom,

Although this may seem like a public critique of your ability to cut hair, it is not.  What it is, is further evidence of my poor decision making skills.

XOXO,
Amy

___________________________________

In terms of my hair, I did not win the genetic lottery.  Everyday Mom has super thick, straight hair.  Everyday Dad has thin and almost curly hair.  I was blessed with thin, almost curly but not quite, super puffy hair.  I say puffy because although my hair has the illusion of volume, it is merely air between the strands.

Evidence of curly:

Curls turning to puff:

In my adult life, I've never had long hair.  I let my hair grow and grow for what feels like forever then it just sort of stops.  Because it is so thin, it just doesn't look nice long.

Up until yesterday, my hair was as long as it has been for quite a while.  I don't have a photo and it's too late to take one now!  I entrusted Everyday Mom to give me a trim.  The idea was to keep the length but get rid of the split ends. 

When I asked for 1.5 inches off, Everyday Mom heard:

Hello short hair...it's been a while:

But as Everyday Dad said...it is a renewable resource.  It will grow back and I will inevitably cut it short again.

  

How Rude!

Dear Gentleman Man,

FYI: A gentleman would have held the door for a lady like myself (carrying things in both hands) instead of dropping it in front of my face.  Furthermore, when you realized that your passenger side door was next to my driver side door, it would have been polite to let me get into my car first.

Also, you were wearing pinstripe suit pants with a solid black blazer and I think that looks tacky.

XOXO,
Amy

   

Dear Molly,

When you come visit, we will drive through Massachusetts, New Hampshire and cross the green bridge into Maine.

We will stay at a charming estate.

We will walk up and down a giant hill to the lake where we will swim, boat, or lay in the sun to our heart's content. 

We will also see butterflies.

We will sit on the deck surrounded by birds, looking down to the lake.

At night we will roast marshmallows.

We will have to drive 25 minutes each way to the grocery store where we will see llamas, turkeys, turtles, etc.

We will look for oreo cows and we will ALWAYS break for moose.

Can't wait!

XOXO,

Amy

  

American History > Riding Horses

Dear Appropriate Governmental Agency,

I address this letter to you because I am a woefully fake American who doesn't really know where my tax dollars go.  (But let's be frank...do you really know where my tax dollars go?)

The purpose of this letter is to inquire if my tax dollars are being used to train police officers to ride horses and act like douchebags.

I am almost certain that some of my tax dollars are being appropriated to the training of state and local police officers.  While my knowledge of police training ends with the movie Police Academy, I am assuming that different types of officers require different skill sets.  Do mall cops require the same training as the Staties who pull people over on the Mass Pike?  Do the cops who stand in safety green vests talking to construction workers for six hours a day attend the same training facility as cops who actually fight crime?

But seriously, is horse riding part of the Police Academy core curriculum? 

If it is, I would like to politely decline the government's invitation to pay my taxes...at least towards the horse riding portion of police training.  I would also like to request that any taxes already paid be redistributed to aid the failing struggling education system.  This should be mutually beneficial.  Schools will begin hiring again leading me to gainful employment where I will gladly teach 10 year olds American History so they don't end up like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann.  A teaching job will move me into a higher tax bracket which will then result in more tax dollars to train new recruits how to ride horses.

Let's make this happen.

XOXO,
Amy

P.S.  If this is not a fiscally viable option for you, maybe we could begin to lower the national debt by cutting Horse Back Riding 101 and Intro to Douchbaggery from the Police Academy course catalog.