And not the alternative rock band type. The "I want my golden goose and I want it now" type.
Last week Mother Nature gave us a taste of that sweet, sweet fall weather. The crisp, clean air. The blue, clear sky. The hint of changing leaves. And with that, my mind immediately switched from "Woe is me, summer has come to an end" to "OMG I LOVE FALL SO MUCH. IT'S MY FAVORITE."
But it was all rudely yanked away and is about to be replaced with heat from the center of the earth.
I mean...it's September, not July. If I didn't have to go to work tomorrow I'd be at the beach or at a lake getting my swim on.
So now I'm all "Give me pumpkins and apples and cider donuts and baking and Halloween and gorgeous foliage...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!"
*I also wouldn't say no to 10,000 tons of ice cream.
Tonight is open house at school. So naturally, we ran around like crazy people today forcing kids to finish projects and hang stuff up and cursed the laminator for breaking.
As the minutes ticked by I was left with one final task: using a GIANT stapler to staple together our first class book.
First, I stapled the book to the stapler. Yes. You read that correctly. Then I had to fashion some scissors into pliers to pull the industrial sized staples out of the stapler of death.
I fixed the stapler and stapled the book all without making my accident prone self bleed. This was by far my greatest success of the day.
I mean I did other things too...like teach kids stuff and read Mulan to an 8 year old and took a kid with mosquito bites to the nurse and yelled at kids for running and made kids correct math homework. But really, defeating the stapler of death took first place.
Two guys walk out of the supermarket. One looks like Obama's shorter twin, the other like this:
Same hat, black trenchcoat. I kid you not.
From Massachusetts, I talked to my mom in a car wash in Arizona via cell phone. Modern technology boggles my mind sometimes. I wonder if the covered wagon folk could have ever imagined what life is like today. It makes me wonder what the future will hold. #Deep thoughts.
I think I ate baby twin chickens the other day and it kind of freaked me out.
I was serenaded by a second grader today...with a Ke$ha song. <---True story. The spelling pattern this week is -ow and blow is one of the words. Cue: It's time to lose your mind and let the crazy out...this place about to blow-ow-ow-ow...go insane, go insane throw some glitter make it rain.
Why hasn't the US at large realized Rick Santorum is crazysauce? Don't they watch The Daily Show?
LAND BEAVER DAY again! Last year I wrote about discovering the secret life of the groundhog. Today I got to witness it first hand. I live streamed the festivities and was completely dumbfounded. I can't believe that groundhog handler is a real job!
These men that form Punxsutawney Phil's Inner Circle are bat-shit crazy. They parade through the crowd in top hats and have names like "Rainmaker" and "The Big Chill." The groundhog handler bangs on Phil's stump, grabs the groundhog by the belly and hoists him into the air. People scream, the groundhog sits on a red rug and tells its handler in a special groundhog language whether he sees his shadow.
Oh. Also, they give the groundhog magic medicine to make him live forever. Watch this if you need some clarification:
P.S. Did you know there are lots of weather predicting groundhogs?
That people still drove Hummers? At least one person does. I'm going to assume that the driver is a he and that he has the smallest penis ever because not only does he seem to be overcompensating with a Hummer but look at those tires (and rims).
Not only are they fancy (esp. for the suburbs) but they are HUGE! To give you a little perspective...here is the tire next to a shopping cart.
They are like monster truck tires! They easily came up to my mid-thigh (and yes I know I'm not the tallest girl out there but still...huge).
Since yesterday's game was so popular, let's play another one shall we? I'm going to give you three sentences and you tell me the missing word.
___________ taught me the value of hard work.
___________ helped pay for my education.
___________ taught me the value of serving others.
If you guessed The Army, you are
.
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.
. WRONG!
For the correct answer, please watch the following:
WTF...Is this for real?!?
I saw this commercial last night and I laughed out loud. Did Hooters think, "Hey, it worked for the Army to talk about values and paying for education...why not us?"
The best part most horrifying part is the blond elementary teacher.* Two things:
1. Why is serving wings to horny men comparable to educating the youth of America?
2. Who would bring their kids to eat at Hooters? Do people really do that? I've never been to Hooters but it doesn't scream family friendly dining to me.
In fact this is what comes to mind:
The newscaster says, "This is great because so often people think that Hooters waitresses, they don't think they have any skills outside of pouring drinks." Um...yes...that is exactly what I think. And her "skill" is followed by a Wings for Kids message. Who would watch this on the news then bring their kids there for wings?!?
I don't even...
*Also, that kid should NOT being using pen to do his work. And, you NEVER correct papers with Expo markers, they are for white boards ONLY!
A long, long time ago when I was in high school, my then and current BFF and I worked at a catalog call center. People would call us, order super strange things, then yell at us because they had to pay to have their stuff delivered.
When S answered the phone, "Hello, this is Summer how can I help you?" people would frequently ask if that was her real name. If I recall correctly, one caller even accused her of using a fake name. Summer is most definitely a unique name but not so unusual that people should be surprised by it.
Today I was at [store name deleted to protect the strangely named] getting some things printed for tomorrow's adventures. The man who helped me had an official employee name tag with the name "Oral F." That HAS to be a fake name. Who would name their kid that? Maybe it was a situation like on Friends where Phoebe changes her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock?
I really wanted to ask but I didn't want to embarrass myself or him...damn social norms.
Today was a SERIOUSLY! type of day which was due in part, to a lack of sleep because of my midnight cricket capers and the fact that the world is a crazy place. Last week, I struggled to replace two of the three bulbs in my kitchen light fixture and today I flip on the lights and the last one goes out. Seriously?
T and I had a cooking adventure today which included a stop at the grocery store after a brown sugar mishap. We parked near this car. Seriously? You don't even get your license plate blacked out because the whole world deserves to know how much you suck at parking.
Any recipe that has less than five ingredients (this had four) was basically designed for me. This was seriously delicious and I got to take home a goodie bag.
Saltine Toffee is going to happen in my kitchen...maybe not today...maybe not tomorrow...but it will happen. And when it does I will be a bit lot safer than this:
One of the stipulations of collecting unemployment is that you attend a workshop at a Career Training Center. I did this several weeks ago and it turned out not to be a great day. But I did learn about all of the information and training resources the Career Service Agency provided. This month I have taken advantage of the resume and cover letter writing workshops and I've met some characters along the way.
It should come as no surprise that many people who are unemployed are angry, bitter, and generally discouraged. At the beginning of each seminar, everyone is given the opportunity to introduce themselves in an AA fashion..."My name is X and I'm unemployed. I've been unemployed for X months and...." These introductions quickly turn into sob stories about how the X industry has been hit the hardest. While some of these people are so negative and obnoxious, I am attempting to refrain from judging them because I have no idea what it is like to be unemployed and supporting a family.
I have met some people women that I thought were worthy of a place on this blog. First, is an older woman (maybe 65+) who is looking for work as a registered nurse. She shared her struggles of finding a nursing job in a profession that is hiring "young gals with no experience." However, as she is lamenting the nursing field's age discrimination, her sun-spotted hands are doing that continuous Parkinson-like shaking thing. And running through my head is, "I feel bad that she can't find a job...but holy hell if I ever needed blood drawn and she was my nurse I would run away from those hands as fast as I could!"
Next, we meet a woman who is adamant about listing her hobby of collecting antiques on her resume while simultaneously refusing to join LinkedIn. She insists that being an antique collector demonstrates a skill set of using the Internet and networking at collector shows. The instructor politely reminds the woman that only things relevant to the job you are applying for should be included on a resume...and if she thinks that collecting antiques is a relevant skill for environmental work then she should go ahead and include it.
Finally, we meet my favorite lady of them all. She told the class that her name was Dora and the instructor asked her what she did. At this point I had to put my hand over my mouth to contain a giggle because I immediately wondered if she was an explorer. Dora was tall and blond and in fact, not an explorer, but even a week later this still makes me laugh out loud.
On Saturday, I went to my first Halloween party in soooo many years. I was a lady bug and K was Gothic Marilyn Monroe Betty Boop. There were some great costumes at the party like a bearded lady, Miss Iowa, Bill Belichick, Maverick from Top Gun, and some grapes. My favorites were a couple dressed as the American Gothic painting and a douche bag...we're talking double-popped Polo collars, the excessive use of the word "Bro" and so much cologne that he had to wash himself halfway through the party.
There was a heated discussion on what the "that" in Meatloaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That" is. (This blogger lays out Meatloaf's Do's and Don'ts pretty clearly.) There was also a mustache that saw more action than anyone else at the party. It masqueraded as a beard, a unibrow and eventually a cleavage-enhancing chest hair patch.
Best part of the night: The apartment is decorated and dimly lit to set the mood. An almost empty ice cube tray sits on the counter.
A: Did anyone put ice cubes in their drink? D: I did. A: How many? D: Like four.
O, K, and A start laughing.
D: What? A: Did your drink taste weird? D: No why? A: They weren't ice cubes. That was frozen chicken stock.
