Monday Morning

Today was not a regular Monday morning.
Today was the Monday morning after an unimaginable, horrific tragedy.
Today was the Monday after a weekend of crying, of watching and rewatching the news, of trying to make some sense out of something that will never make sense.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was anxious about what today would hold. About what conversations we would or wouldn't have.

But I wasn't afraid to walk into school today. I understand that what happened could happen anywhere and that anyone who sets their mind to do something so violent cannot be stopped. I understand that as a staff we are trained to protect our students and ourselves in case such a situation arises. And I understand that we will continue to review, update, and practice our safety procedures.

Today, for all intents and purposes, was a "normal" day. We stuck to our routine and directed any students who wanted to talk about what happened to the guidance counselor. We did not directly address the tragedy with our students and we all made it through the day.

The thing that got to me was watching the kindergartners walking to lunch and seeing how small they were. Immediately my mind flashed to the faces of the children that didn't come home from school on Friday. I thought about all the lives that were shattered. About the siblings who lost brothers or sisters, and the survivors who will have to carry this with them for their entire lives. I wondered how anyone, especially those in Newtown would celebrate Christmas or how they would find the strength to return to school.

And then my kids came back from lunch and we resumed our daily schedule.

So the question becomes how do we move forward in the wake of such a senseless tragedy?

For my own sanity, I need to turn off the news. I need to write about what I'm feeling. I need to spend time with those I love and that love me. And I need to enjoy the small things that make up my day to day routine. I need to listen to holiday music, and buy presents for people I care about. I need to be excited about Christmas cards because it makes me feel good to send and receive mail. I need to work on making every day count.

If I am this affected and my only connection to the incident is being a teacher in a different state, I can't imagine how others are struggling. I can try to empathize and grasp the loss and suffering, but that won't do my soul any good. I can try to accept that with light comes dark, thus with good comes evil. But perhaps all I can really do is take time to truly appreciate the people in my life because you never know how long they will be there for.


 

Today my Heart is Broken

As an elementary school teacher, I always assumed that the most dangerous part of my job was my commute. But that changed today.

While I was teaching my students how to write the letter K in cursive, other children were dying.

The tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut instantly shattered so many hearts and lives. There are kids and teachers and a principal that went to school excited that it was Friday and now their lives are over. These kids will not grow up. Their classmates will forever feel their absence. Tonight there are children who have lost their mothers and mothers who have lost their children.

And at the end of it all there are so many questions left unanswered.

How did this happen?
How do we tell our children?
How does anyone recover from something like this?
How will children ever feel safe at school again?
How will a parent ever send their child to school again?

As teachers, we practice lock down and evacuation drills at school with our students but we never expect to have to use them. Today, at dismissal, there were three policemen stationed at my school and I don't know whether that makes me feel frightened or reassured.

Today my heart is broken.

This.

I promise I'll stop being all political after this but I just have to say that I'm thankful that I live in a country where I can vote for a leader that I believe in. I'm proud and glad and relieved that we elected a president who understands that the world is ever changing and that we must change with it. I know that there are problems in our country...huge problems.

I understand first hand how difficult it is to find a job in the current economy. But I also understand that paying a higher tax rate than people who make my entire yearly salary in one day makes no sense. I believe that we need to invest in education because our kids are truly the future of our country. I believe that global warming is a global issue that needs to be seriously addressed. I believe that I should be able to decide what to do with my own body.

In the days since the election, so many words have been said. But I think Rachel Maddow nailed it:

"Ohio really did go to President Obama last night. And he really did win. And he really was born in Hawaii. And he really is legitimately President of the United States. Again. And the Bureau of Labor Statistics did not make up a fake unemployment rate last month. And the Congressional Research Service really can find no evidence that cutting taxes on rich people grows the economy. And the polls were not skewed to oversample Democrats. And Nate Silver was not making up fake projections about the election to make conservatives feel bad. Nate Silver was doing math. And climate change is real. And rape really does cause pregnancy sometimes. And evolution is a thing! And Benghazi was an attack ON us, it was not a scandal BY us. And nobody is taking away anyone's guns. And taxes have not gone up. And the deficit is dropping, actually. And Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. And the moon landing was real. And FEMA is not building concentration camps. And UN election observers are not taking over Texas. And moderate reforms of the regulations on the insurance industry and the financial services industry in this country are not the same thing as Communism.

Listen. Last night was a good night for liberals and for Democrats for very obvious reasons. But it was also, possibly, a good night for this country as a whole. Because in this country we have a two party system, in government. And the idea is supposed to be that the two sides both come up with ways to confront and fix the real problems facing our country. They both propose possible solutions to our real problems. And we debate between those possible solutions. And by the process of debate, we pick the best idea. That competition between good ideas, from both sides, about real problems in the real country should result in our country having better choices, better options, than if only one side is really working on the hard stuff. And if the Republican party, and the conservative movement, and the conservative media is stuck in a vacuum sealed, door locked, spin cycle of telling each other what makes them feel good, and denying the factual, lived truth of the world, then we are all deprived, as a nation, of the constructive debate between competing, feasible ideas about real problems.

Last night the Republicans got shellacked. And they had no idea it was coming. And we saw them, in real time, in real humiliating time, not believe it even as it was happening to them. And unless they're going to secede, they're going to have to pop the factual bubble they have been so happy living inside, if they do not want to get shellacked again. And that will be a painful process for them, I'm sure, but it will be good for the whole country - left, right, and center. You guys, we're counting on you. Wake up."

May Day

Often, I find myself obsessed with the passing of time. 

That today, May 1, 2012 has happened and will never happen again. It is over and I've either done wonderful things with today or I haven't. And it seems that more days than not, I head to bed feeling like I've not lived my day to the fullest. That I didn't do anything monumental and life changing.

But the reality of life is that there are very few of these "life changing" days. Instead, we make tiny decisions and take relatively small steps that, over time, add up to a life that is hopefully meaningful and fulfilling.

On May 1, 2011: I revealed my new blog layout. I was unemployed and hating my life as a substitute teacher. I was recovering from a late night/early morning Bachelorette extravaganza and was picking glitter out of my hair. 

On May 1, 2012: I got stuck in my raincoat. I ate salad for lunch and helped a student group ten cows in a pen via a spaceship. I marinated steak for tomorrow's dinner and taught my students about contractions.

Today was not a remarkable day but there was more good than bad. And that has to count as a win.

  

The Blahs...

I've got 'em.*

And I hope to shake them soon.  Last night wasn't your typical "Eww, it's Sunday and I have to go to work tomorrow" night.  Instead, it was a sleepless night complete with the first melt down of the New Year.  (P.S. do you only capitalize New Year when you are referring to the actual holiday event and not the year as a whole?) I was feeling overwhelmed by my financial situation, social situations, finding a job for this summer/next school year which quickly spiraled into being unhappy with my current job, current fitness level and current living situation which always ends in the idea that I will die alone.  Don't judge me...at least I can admit I'm a hot mess.

But after some calming down from my work besties and repeated listenings of this song:

I'm feeling a bit more like a normal person.

But it's the little things, the little things not expectation
That make life worth living, worth living <---These lines get me every time.

I'm still a mess...but a more socially acceptable mess.  Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.

*I blame the full moon.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOG!

One year ago today I took a deep breath and posted the following to the interwebs:

Where to begin...I suppose with the name. "Zero Ducks in a Row" pretty much sums up my life right now. Up until this week I taught 4th grade until my principal decided that even though I tried my best I suck at teaching and thus no longer have a job.

So I am back to square one with any career plans and I am beginning to think that I will never make it as a teacher. That sounds like I am trying to do something spectacular like be a show girl or president but come on already...all I want to do is stand in front of kids and impart some wisdom upon them. Is that really too much to ask?

Currently I am harboring many anxieties about my future. I am on summer vacation but I have no future plans for any aspect of my life. This blog is an attempt to record and inspire(?) change in my life.

 

So here's to finding some ducks and forcing them to sit in a row.

  ________________________

I was in a very negative head space as (what I thought to be) my dream job was pulled out from under me and it seemed that there was only myself to blame.  An entire year has passed and unfortunately, not much has changed in the job department.  I began substituting and I continue to send out job applications to what feels like every school in the state of Massachusetts.  But in the past year, I have (mostly) come to terms with the fact that the economy is more to blame for my unemployment than myself.  I still fall asleep at least 3 nights a week thinking about what I could have done differently.  But I am sure hoping that finding a new job will put the thoughts of self-doubt to rest.

 

Throughout this past year I learned:

That a job isn't and shouldn't be your life. 

That I'm a hot mess in the kitchen...and love every minute of it.

That it's never too late to make wonderful new friends.

That I love being crafty and making things.
That making goals is easy...but achieving them is harder.
 

In a year this blog has gone through as many changes as I have.  It began as Zero Ducks in a Row, which although more Google friendly, didn't really represent where I wanted to go with all of this (whatever this is).  As Everyday A, the blog went through many a face lift but has finally found itself.

 

Blogging has become a hobby that very few people aside from other bloggers appreciate and understand...but I don't care...I LOVE IT!  I've rediscovered a love of writing and I've found an outlet that lets me record and share my daily happenings in a way that is comfortable and convenient.  I've always had the desire to keep a journal but I've never been able to keep up with it.  I would become conscious of how I structured a sentence, when I used the wrong word, my penmanship and if I made an error.  (Yes. I am a tad neurotic...tell me you aren't surprised by that.)  Writing a blog allows me to get my thoughts down quickly, to backspace, to delete, to use a thesaurus, and to share things with lovely people who I can't see as often as I'd like.

So here's to the next year!

P.S. If you know me, you know that I absolutely used my 1st Blog Birthday as an excuse to bake cupcakes.  Update soon because obviously I forgot to buy butter so I have to run back to the store.  #File under: Story of my life.

  

Deep Thoughts Thursday

Note:  Because of an email from V, I have been reminded that I wrote this but never posted it.  It warrants a new label of "sometimes I'm serious."  It is rare, but sometimes I venture into the thought provoking realm of my life.

One problem issue challenge in my life is my lack of ability to K.I.S.S.  (Not that kind of kiss...I'm obv. awesome at that kind.)  I'm talking about this:

Imagine this scenario:
You are asked a simple question.  Is the glass half empty or half full?

Most individuals, depending on their optimistic or pessimistic perceptions, would answer either half empty or half full.  In other words, they K.I.S.S.  I would say it depends.  It depends on how much you filled the glass.  If you only partially filled the glass then it's half full, but if you filled the glass to the top then drank half of it then it's half empty.

This is how I deal with life.  I can't just make a decision and go with it.  I need to consider all the options, weigh the pros and cons, talk it over with multiple people...and by that time the opportunity has usually passed me by.  I get so caught up in the what ifs.  In short...I think too much. 

In my head, I know that life is basically a series of experiences and mistakes that you learn and grow from.  And I know that you can never plan for everything.  Things will happen that are out of your control and you have to adapt and move on.  But I'm terrified of making mistakes.  Of making the wrong choice.

Take running for example.  Most people who want to run put on sneakers and start running.  They work up to a certain distance and call themselves a runner.  I feel the need to research the sport.  Read about it, learn the language, buy new sneakers and learn the correct running form before I even step on to a track.  Case in point, I'm reading a book called, "The Courage to Start" by John Bingham.  It is about learning how to run for beginners.  In the introduction, Bingham says:

"We all need to live out our dreams.  We need to spend less time planning and organizing and more time doing.  We need to spend less time worrying about doing things well and more time rejoicing that we are doing them at all."

True story.

I am learning that I'll never feel 100% ready for anything new.  But that shouldn't hold me back from trying to accomplish it.  So I'm going to try and think less, do more...although I am still going to buy new sneakers first.

Sorry I got all serious on you.  I promise I'll post something inane tomorrow.  Like the time I tried to peel a grapefruit...or the time I ate a lime thinking it would be sweet...or the time I almost drove into a fence...or the time...you get the idea.