My Fellow Americans

Dear The United States,

I have a quick suggestion. What do you say to moving up the national election to next Tuesday? Or perhaps the Tuesday after that if we still need time to print ballots. It's not like everyone doesn't already know who they will be voting for. (And if you don't, what the hell are you waiting for? Inform yourself and make a decision!)

So let's just make it official already. This will be a mutually beneficial solution. We won't have to watch any more political advertisements; and you can take the millions (billions?) of dollars you were planning on spending in the next two months and send it to Chicago so we can get the teachers and their students back into the classroom.

How do we make this happen?

XOXO,
Amy

 

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

Dear Library,

I recently read the following book:

On the side of the book you affixed the following sticker:

Obviously you have not read this book. The only animal in the story is the horse that pulls the plow. In fact, it is a story about a young boy with promising intellectual abilities who leaves school to return home to help care for his father who has just had a stroke. The boy learns to communicate with his father who can no longer speak and decides to build a barn with his brother and sister. He hopes that having something to look forward to will help his father get better. The boy finishes the barn late one night and decides to wait until morning to show his father. Now, I don't want to ruin the end of the story for you but guess what happens to his father that night?

So dear library, you really shouldn't judge a book by its cover (or title). Some poor, unsuspecting child is going to pick up this book expecting to read about piggies and get quite the life lesson instead.

XOXO,
Amy

American History > Riding Horses

Dear Appropriate Governmental Agency,

I address this letter to you because I am a woefully fake American who doesn't really know where my tax dollars go.  (But let's be frank...do you really know where my tax dollars go?)

The purpose of this letter is to inquire if my tax dollars are being used to train police officers to ride horses and act like douchebags.

I am almost certain that some of my tax dollars are being appropriated to the training of state and local police officers.  While my knowledge of police training ends with the movie Police Academy, I am assuming that different types of officers require different skill sets.  Do mall cops require the same training as the Staties who pull people over on the Mass Pike?  Do the cops who stand in safety green vests talking to construction workers for six hours a day attend the same training facility as cops who actually fight crime?

But seriously, is horse riding part of the Police Academy core curriculum? 

If it is, I would like to politely decline the government's invitation to pay my taxes...at least towards the horse riding portion of police training.  I would also like to request that any taxes already paid be redistributed to aid the failing struggling education system.  This should be mutually beneficial.  Schools will begin hiring again leading me to gainful employment where I will gladly teach 10 year olds American History so they don't end up like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann.  A teaching job will move me into a higher tax bracket which will then result in more tax dollars to train new recruits how to ride horses.

Let's make this happen.

XOXO,
Amy

P.S.  If this is not a fiscally viable option for you, maybe we could begin to lower the national debt by cutting Horse Back Riding 101 and Intro to Douchbaggery from the Police Academy course catalog.


    

Dear UPS,

You should have that looked at. 

At first, I was worried that perhaps you were on fire when I saw your brown truck belching smog across the road.  But I was mistaken.  You were actually polluting my view and the air I was attempting to breathe.

I doubt Fed Ex allows environment enders like that on the road.  Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

XOXO,
Amy

I Smell Like...

Cupcakes today!  Vanilla cupcakes.

To anyone that walks by me...you're welcome!



An Open Video Letter to Christine O'Donnell

Dear Christine O'Donnell,

According to the video below, your argument against the existence of evolution seems to be based solely on the fact that you cannot observe monkeys evolving into humans today.

Two things.  One - We evolved from apes not monkeys...hence our lack of tails.  And two:

Also, gorillas are not even the closest primate relative to humans.  Google Bonobos in your spare time.

XOXO,

Amy

Doing My Part

Dear Egg Industry,

.........Let's all do our part.





..............................................................................Your Welcome,
..............................................................................Amy Call