Sometimes I am Awkwardly Inappropriate*

Earlier this evening via text (prior to learning of Whitney Houston's passing):

Friend: Whitney Houston!

Me: Haha what?

Friend: Someone just told me she died!

Me: Whoa! I thought you just wanted to dance with somebody. (Investigates and texts this photo to friend)

Friend: Whoa! Can't believe it! Also, I do want to dance with somebody. V-Day is comping up but I'm having ladies valentine's so my changes aren't looking so hot.

Me: Hmmm...never say never. Justin Bieber taught me that.

Friend: Ha. True. This is our year after all (note: because we are grownups now). But Biebs better watch out. It hasn't been a good month for the music industry.

Sadly, I am not terribly surprised by the news. As was the case with Amy Winehouse, I always assumed things would end this way which is sad because Whitney Houston was incredibly talented. I can't count the number of times I've pretended that I could sing like her (mostly alone in the car) only to end up with a sore throat a defeatist attitude. And I've had many a pants-less dance party to I Want To Dance With Somebody.

Whitney will live forever on my iPod.

* And use humor as a coping mechanism.

3:30 AM

What were you doing at 3:30 am on Sunday night?

Hanging out with your landlord watching water rain out of your bathroom ceiling vent?

ME TOO!

Let me rewind. I returned home from the big birthday bash at the casino of the sun at noon on Sunday. The paint on my bathroom ceiling was swollen with water and small cracks were forming. I put a towel under the drips and put off calling my landlord until I had a chance to pick up my apartment a bit.

Fast forward...parent's house...dinner...Super Bowl...back home. I furiously cleaned my apartment then tried to hit the sack but I couldn't sleep because the dripping sound was bouncing around inside my head. I finally drifted off about midnight only to be abruptly woken up 2:30 am but the sound of rushing water. Upon investigation I found water raining out of my bathroom ceiling vent at a steady pace. I put a bucket under it and attempted to sleep again but it was soo loud. After getting up to check on the mess at 3:00 am, the bucket was filling quickly.

I texted my landlord at 3:00 am and made a tinfoil slide for the water to drain into the sink. It was at this point that I realized that I was not going to school/work in the morning. I slept 3 hours on Saturday night and 2.5 on Sunday night. It was raining inside my apartment and I had to drive to Worcester to run an errand today.

My landlord arrived after 3:30 am, shut the water off to the building and called the property manager. But hours later it was going on 6:00 am and the dripping was minimal. The landlord left, I crawled back in bed and woke at 10:00 for a day full of errand running.

Birthday recaps are coming but are temporarily on hold because things have been crazy in the life and times of Amy.

It's a good thing I'm no stranger to apartment flooding.

   

So This Happened...

Thanks to a very, very, very generous Christmas gift donation from Everyday Mom and Dad to the Amy's New Computer Fund and a retirement refund check from an old school district, I am now the proud owner of a MacBook!

So far I love everything about it.  (Although I downloaded Chrome on day 2 because I couldn't figure out the bookmarks bar on Safari!) There are still a lot of things I don't know how to do but I'm learning fast.  Tonight I explored Photo Booth.  Be prepared for lots of ridiculous pictures.

Currently...

Watching The Grinch Stole Christmas...

...while eating Thanksgiving: Part Deux...

...in a heat wave.  It hit 63 degrees today in the state of Massachusetts which is unheard of for November 28th.

In other news, I fully admit that I judge people who go shopping on Black Friday. People (in general) are crazy when it comes to stuff: i.e. a squirt of pepper spray to the eye in order to cut in line or a full on riot over $2.00 waffle makers.  Do people really love waffles that much?

But...and here is where you get to judge me right back...I have my moments of crazy also.  Take for example, this evening.

Scene:
I am at the gym and super sweaty (you're welcome for that image btw).  

I am headed from the gym to a meeting so I brought a clean shirt to change into...but I accidentally leave the clean shirt in the car.  So in my infinite wisdom, I decide to take off my sweaty shirt and just zip up my fleece all the way.  I figured I would just throw on the clean shirt in the car.

So I get to my car (which I responsibly parked under a street light) and there is someone sitting in the car across from me.  I most definitely was not going to strip in front of Mr. Random.  I pull out of the parking lot and just assume I'll figure out a new plan on the way.  My plan turned out to be this: change from fleece to t-shirt at 30 mph on a dark road.  The whole 45 seconds it took me to change I kept thinking this would be an awful time to hit a deer.  The cops would find me topless on a dark road blaring Christmas music.

File under: # this is my life, # this is why I'm single


  

Vegan Rosh Hashanah Happened...

Tonight.

K and I went to an elaborate dinner hosted by the lovely L and T, who have glitter ceilings and enough chairs to throw a 10 person dinner party (dinner parties at my apartment would max out at three).  They prepared a vegan feast with food quantities that would rival your Thanksgiving dinner (if your turkey was homemade tofurkey).

Though I am quite a secular lady, I identify with the Christmas Crowd when it comes to religious holidays so I had a lot to learn.  I (think) I picked up the basics:  Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year.  The Jewish (or Hebrew?) calendar counts days from sunset to sunset instead of midnight to midnight.  At sundown it is kind of like New Year's Eve, but without the kissing.  On Rosh Hashanah you visit temple, enjoy a lot of food and drink, and have 10 days to atone for your sins before Yom Kippur.  FYI: You don't get a lunch break in temple on Yom Kippur because it is a fasting day.

For dinner I had:

1. Mashed potatoes with gravy.
2. Challah (pronounced HOLLA!) bread with raisins.
3. Seitan.  Kind of like a non-meat meatloaf made from wheat gluten.
4. Pasta salad.
5. Kugel. Non-egg egg noodle kugel.  It was kind of a sweet, deserty lasagna.
6. Apples with Agave.

For dessert there was ice cream, mango sorbet, bread pudding, pear pie, and wine pie.  But I had...

The vegan chocolate chip cookie of course.  I mean...look at that chocolate chip to cookie ratio!

Vegan Rosh Hashanah was wonderful.  I tried new foods, made new friends, told stories about my second graders, and laughed a lot.

   

I Love Today

Headed to Maine for the weekend.  Hopefully it is cooler there.  My July 2011 road trip mix is ready to go,  I packed LAST NIGHT, and I'm all kinds of excited.  Here's to the beach, some sun, and loads of fun!

Happy Friday!

Happy Weekend!

Happy Travels!

P.S. All food should come in happy face form.  Someone get on that!

   

This Just Happened

   

Letters To Bad Drivers

I made the mistake of running errands in the 3-5pm window on a gorgeous Friday afternoon.  Bad, bad idea Amy.  My travels have prompted this short three part series of letters to bad drivers:

Dear Bad Driver in the Giant White Escalade Who Almost Broadsided Me This Afternoon,

Did you even see my small, but standard sized car?  I know you didn't because you nearly drove into me.  If you had even touched your brakes you may have seen the Yield sign...upside down red triangle with YIELD in capital letters...ring a bell?  It should.  When you see this sign it means the road is my driving space and you have to wait your f-ing turn to drive there.  Your lack of awareness while operating a motor vehicle astounds me.  Frankly, I am still surprised you own a drivers license.

XOXO,
Amy

--------------------------------------

Dear Middle to Late Aged Hippie Driving 15 mph Below the Speed Limit During Rush Hour With Your Hazard Lights Flashing,

Don't do that.  Seriously.  Do you realize you are seconds away from being the catalyst for a 75 car pile up?  Understandably, people (even those going the actual speed limit) are trying to pass you.  However, your speed makes it nearly impossible for them to safely merge into the middle lane where crazy people are driving 80 mph during rush hour.  If your car cannot operate at highway speeds, please, please take a back road.

XOXO,
Amy

-------------------------------------

Dear Sport Style Motorcycle Driver (i.e. Future Organ Donor),

My desire to pass you on the right was two-fold.  First off, you were hogging the left lane doing 70 mph which was well below the flow of traffic rate for the lane.  I understand that the left lane may be safer than the middle lane for you as people were changing lanes something fierce today, but the left lane is for people who want to get home just a little faster than the people in the middle lane.  Second, seeing you hunched precariously over your bike trying to keep it upright in the wind made me anxious.  If the wind blows you over I will most certainly run you over as you skid across the highway...thus I prefer to be driving in front of you and not behind you. 

XOXO,
Amy

P.S.  You might want to consider whether an afternoon with 50 mph* wind gusts is the appropriate time for wrapping yourself in cow skin and riding your tiny death machine in rush hour traffic.

* I made this number up but it was really windy today.

  

I Couldn't Do This Again If I Tried...

Disclaimer:  Before reading you have to promise not to judge me for my dirty stove.

Last evening, I decided to make some chicken.  This is how it went down:

I grab my kitchen shears and start hacking a chicken breast into pieces that cook super fast.  I picked up the pan and gave the chicken a toss and I made a mess...surprise, surprise.  If you recall, I recently had a food flipping blunder while preparing a stir fry.  This time it was even more impressive. 

Here is my chicken in the pan on the front, left burner.

As I toss the chicken so it will cook evenly, one rogue piece escapes the pan and sails towards the back, left burner.  The piece of chicken manages to land at such an angle that it fell through the coil of the burner and right into the little metal tube thing.  (I call it the little metal tube thing because I have no idea what it is and couldn't begin to tell you what it is for.)

Seriously?  Luckily there is some type of vent or grate in the little metal tube thing because I can't tell you where that piece of chicken would have ended up otherwise.

At this point the stove is still on and I'm freaking out a bit wondering if this piece of chicken is going to catch on fire (I have a hypochondriacal fear of fire).  So I did what any smart lady would do.  I went all MacGuyver with my kitchen shears and fished that piece of chicken out of the little metal tube thing in my stove.

Obviously after the piece of chicken was recovered, I reenacted the rescue so I could document my crazy.

  

Let's Play A Game

This is what I bought at the grocery store today.  I forgot my reusable bags. 

Guess how many plastic bags they used to bag my groceries?

Go on...guess.  A winner has been announced.



Oops! I Did It Again...Sort Of

Remember the time that I almost verbally assaulted someone for putting balloons into my car?  Well tonight...no I'm totally kidding, it didn't happen again.

This time I tried to accidentally break into the wrong car...that's all.

After finishing two Roald Dahl books this afternoon, I finally dragged myself out of bed, into the shower, and to the grocery store.  I shopped, I paid an obscenely large amount of money for two bags of groceries, then left my cart inside and carried my bags to my car.  (This is a fancy schmancy grocery store where the bag boys always offer to carry my groceries to the car...but I am super glad that after tonight's incident I always decline their help.)

So I walk to my car and put my bags down behind the trunk.  I use my key but am unable to open the trunk.  I was annoyed because it was so cold out.  I glance up and there is an umbrella sitting in the back window behind the back seats.  I don't have an umbrella in my car.

Yeah...it wasn't my car.  It was a navy blue Corolla that needed a wash with MA plates...just not my plates. 

To be fair...it was dark and there was an obscenely large SUV parked between my car and the car I accidentally tried to break into...SIGH.

In case you are confused:

Grocery store parking lot: 2
Amy: 0

Davis Square Fights Back

My college graduation took place in the rain and it was freezing.  J and I wore Northface jackets and sneakers.  We made fun of the girls who wore high heels in the mud. 

Tonight I was that girl.

Except replace high heels with uncomfortable kitten heels and substitute ice and snow for mud.

So I ended up coming home with a popped blister on the back of each heel and three giant bruises (I got in a fight with a staircase and the stairs won.)

More tomorrow...if I can move.

Remember The Time...or RTT

RTT I sent my brother a Christmas card with no address?  It only took 3.5 weeks to be sent back to me.  Sorry brother!

RTT I was going to turn my dining room into an office/craft space to fulfill goal #18 on The List?  Instead, I created this mess where I am currently: bruising my ribs, by typing a blog, while laying on my stomach where my desktop has recently become a floortop...and using lots of awkward phrases creating a horrible run on sentence.

RTT when after a monster pizza fail at my parent's house last month (the crust remained in the cake pan while the toppings were dumped onto a plate and called pizza) we successfully made grilled pizza?  Yes, you read that right.  Pizza...cooked on the grill.  It was delicious.  I wonder how hard this would be to replicate on the George Foreman?  In a grill pan?  Hmmm....

RTT my mother refused to let me take a photo of her (probably because she fears internet exploitation) then physically removed herself from the room when my father settled down to watch Sarah Palin's Alaska?

Well all those times were today baby!

Merry Christmas to My Car

This is how today started. It can only get better right?

It looks like my Corolla may be getting some presents this year.  Today it asked Santa for a new alternator and a free ride.



This Is What I Get For Reading Crime Thrillers Before Bed...

This may or may not have just happened...but it did.

*FYI: I am currently reading The Girl Who Played With Fire.

After reading for a while, I turned out the light and I snuggled in bed with my iPod.  Now if you know me, you know that I like to tempt deafness with the volume of my music.  So...I'm listening to this French song and I hear something in the other room.  My eyes snap open, my heart finds a new rhythm, and I hear it again. 

By now I am totally freaking out because someone has obviously broken into my apartment.  So I climb out of bed and grab the aluminum baseball bat that my dad insisted I keep near my bed...which I am very grateful for at this point because the biggest knife I own is only 4 inches long and is currently in the dishwasher.

I tiptoe down the hallway in the dark and with my bat at the ready, I peak around the corner and see a tall man standing in the shadows of my living room.  I am certain that he can hear my heart beating and is about to kill me so I flip on the light ready to smash some skull with my bat. 

Here's the part where I feel like an idiot...I almost assaulted my Christmas tree.  Funny in retrospect but at the time I seriously thought I was going to end up on the news.  So now I am wide awake with no intent on ever sleeping again.  I have checked the locks and the windows, made sure my cell is charged and next to my bed, and removed that song from my sleep mix. 

It turns out the sounds I heard were actually timpani drums.  Good to know that my fight or flight instinct remains intact.

In Honor of the Facebook Guy Being Named Person of the Year...

I present tonight's convo with T via Facebook chat:

T:  Remember annoying (name removed to protect the annoying) I was telling you about yesterday???

 

T:  blah blah blah...stupid bitch...blah blah blah.

 

T:  I have had 3 glasses of wine... sorry for my rage.

 

A:  Haha...Don't you have to teach tomorrow?

 

T:  Yes...so...I wish I could blog about my rage.

 

A:  I know...I need a totally anonymous blog where I can just bitch and bitch and bitch.

 

T:  I was just saying the SAME exact thing to J and he told me I could be Gossip Girl.

 

A:  Yeah but in real life people would figure out who you were.

 

T:  True...I am SO mad...something else happened...

 

A:  Relax...have another glass of wine.

 

T:  That is HORRIBLE advice!

Why I Can't Sleep

True story...

It is 2:30 in the morning and I finally decide it's time for bed.  I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and there is some type of insect on the floor.  It is either a spider with only 6 legs, a beetle of some sort, or a baby cricket.  My immediate reaction is to kill it because it is a bug and the less of them the better...but then I remember that killing crickets violates the laws of luck. 

So what does this girl do?  She traps the bug under a cup and uses Google Images to look up crickets.  It turns out that it is a cricket, so instead of squashing or flushing it, she spares its life and releases it into the hallway (hey it's cold and dark outside...if the cricket is smart enough it will figure out how to hop out the door when someone opens it.)

But now I am all skeeved out from looking at pictures of crickets and I just keep imagining if I had gone to bed earlier I wouldn't have seen the cricket and it might have hopped into bed with me.