Friday, June 3, 2011

Letters To Bad Drivers

I made the mistake of running errands in the 3-5pm window on a gorgeous Friday afternoon.  Bad, bad idea Amy.  My travels have prompted this short three part series of letters to bad drivers:

Dear Bad Driver in the Giant White Escalade Who Almost Broadsided Me This Afternoon,

Did you even see my small, but standard sized car?  I know you didn't because you nearly drove into me.  If you had even touched your brakes you may have seen the Yield sign...upside down red triangle with YIELD in capital letters...ring a bell?  It should.  When you see this sign it means the road is my driving space and you have to wait your f-ing turn to drive there.  Your lack of awareness while operating a motor vehicle astounds me.  Frankly, I am still surprised you own a drivers license.


Dear Middle to Late Aged Hippie Driving 15 mph Below the Speed Limit During Rush Hour With Your Hazard Lights Flashing,

Don't do that.  Seriously.  Do you realize you are seconds away from being the catalyst for a 75 car pile up?  Understandably, people (even those going the actual speed limit) are trying to pass you.  However, your speed makes it nearly impossible for them to safely merge into the middle lane where crazy people are driving 80 mph during rush hour.  If your car cannot operate at highway speeds, please, please take a back road.


Dear Sport Style Motorcycle Driver (i.e. Future Organ Donor),

My desire to pass you on the right was two-fold.  First off, you were hogging the left lane doing 70 mph which was well below the flow of traffic rate for the lane.  I understand that the left lane may be safer than the middle lane for you as people were changing lanes something fierce today, but the left lane is for people who want to get home just a little faster than the people in the middle lane.  Second, seeing you hunched precariously over your bike trying to keep it upright in the wind made me anxious.  If the wind blows you over I will most certainly run you over as you skid across the highway...thus I prefer to be driving in front of you and not behind you. 


P.S.  You might want to consider whether an afternoon with 50 mph* wind gusts is the appropriate time for wrapping yourself in cow skin and riding your tiny death machine in rush hour traffic.

* I made this number up but it was really windy today.


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