Hello My Name Is

Debbie Downer.

Today was such a thumbs down day.  I spent a lot of the day like this:


I promise my hair looks better in real life...some days.

But I still have two arms, healthy parents, a roof over my head, a friend who will let me complain over a lunch date, a good book to read, and my iTunes catalog.

And some days that has to be enough.

  

S is for Sprout

Last night I opened a cabinet to take out my grill pan and found these:

Two things.

1.  Obviously I should use my grill pan more often so as not to forget about potatoes.

2.  I should probably stop buying potatoes seeing as I apparently don't eat them and don't know how to properly store them.

I don't know which is more impressive.  The sheer number of sprouts or the height of last summers sprouts:

One thing is for certain...I'm a bad ass potato sprout grower.

 

Six On Sunday

1.  I spent yesterday working on #7 on The List...except it is someone else's quilt.  That still counts right? 

It was smooth sailing until I sewed the fabric to the machine...yes you read that right.  I can't really tell you what went wrong but it was all downhill from there.

2.  Today I multi-tasked.  I ate a chocolate cupcake while tutoring and reading Runner's World.

3.  I'm so excited to watch the Boston Marathon tomorrow!  Hopefully it will motivate me to actually start running.

4.  In an attempt to replicate my favorite meal from Bertucci's, I baked the "Cooking With Amy" version of a chicken and rosemary ham calzone.  Verdict:  Not quite the same but cheaper and healthier (probably).

5.  I received a lesson in inefficiency this week.

Envelope 1:  You have changed your address.

Envelope 2:  If you have not changed your address please contact us.

Envelope 3:  Just in case, we will send this to your old address also. 

Envelope 4:  Account information.

6.  I returned my Netflix DVD like this:

Dear Netflix,

I hope this is okay.  I accidentally opened the envelope the wrong way.

XOXO,

Amy



Things I Probably (Most Definitely) Should Have Learned Before I Did, But Learned The Hard Way Instead

Way back in August I wrote about "Things I Probably (Most Definitely) Should Have Learned Before I Did."  Today I bring you the follow up: "Things I Probably (Most Definitely) Should Have Learned Before I Did, But Learned The Hard Way Instead."

1. How to eat a grapefruit. When I worked in the Lex. we had new fruit Thursday. (A lot of the students I worked with had sensory issues and couldn't/wouldn't eat a variety of foods.) Every Thursday a parent would send in a different fruit and all the kids would try it. Because of my schedule I was usually the one to cut up the fruit. We tried apples and grapes and watermelon and kiwi.

Grapefruit day came. I assumed grapefruits were just bigger, more sour oranges so I set out to peel it like an orange. To this day I don't know what went wrong. It may have been extra ripe or perhaps I didn't have a gentle touch, but the grapefruit disintegrated into a juicy, pulpy mess. It dripped down my arms and onto the floor and I was sticky for the rest of the day. (I later learned it is easiest to halve a grapefruit and scoop it out.)

2. How to wash a blender. Yesterday I picked up a blender at my parent's house but it was gross so I decided to wash it.  At the bottom of the blender are some knife-like blades. Surely they come out for washing...right?

Well I unscrewed the base, and the blade part just would not come out...so I figured it didn't.  I went about washing the blender being as careful as possible.  (Amy + sharp things = disaster...always.)  I managed to jab the tip of a finger (only one) into the blades and started bleeding.  Luckily my dad got home right as I started bleeding and showed me that the blade does, in fact, come out.  (To my credit the blade was really stuck.)

Dad: 1

Blender: 1

Amy: 0

Deep Thoughts Thursday

Note:  Because of an email from V, I have been reminded that I wrote this but never posted it.  It warrants a new label of "sometimes I'm serious."  It is rare, but sometimes I venture into the thought provoking realm of my life.

One problem issue challenge in my life is my lack of ability to K.I.S.S.  (Not that kind of kiss...I'm obv. awesome at that kind.)  I'm talking about this:

Imagine this scenario:
You are asked a simple question.  Is the glass half empty or half full?

Most individuals, depending on their optimistic or pessimistic perceptions, would answer either half empty or half full.  In other words, they K.I.S.S.  I would say it depends.  It depends on how much you filled the glass.  If you only partially filled the glass then it's half full, but if you filled the glass to the top then drank half of it then it's half empty.

This is how I deal with life.  I can't just make a decision and go with it.  I need to consider all the options, weigh the pros and cons, talk it over with multiple people...and by that time the opportunity has usually passed me by.  I get so caught up in the what ifs.  In short...I think too much. 

In my head, I know that life is basically a series of experiences and mistakes that you learn and grow from.  And I know that you can never plan for everything.  Things will happen that are out of your control and you have to adapt and move on.  But I'm terrified of making mistakes.  Of making the wrong choice.

Take running for example.  Most people who want to run put on sneakers and start running.  They work up to a certain distance and call themselves a runner.  I feel the need to research the sport.  Read about it, learn the language, buy new sneakers and learn the correct running form before I even step on to a track.  Case in point, I'm reading a book called, "The Courage to Start" by John Bingham.  It is about learning how to run for beginners.  In the introduction, Bingham says:

"We all need to live out our dreams.  We need to spend less time planning and organizing and more time doing.  We need to spend less time worrying about doing things well and more time rejoicing that we are doing them at all."

True story.

I am learning that I'll never feel 100% ready for anything new.  But that shouldn't hold me back from trying to accomplish it.  So I'm going to try and think less, do more...although I am still going to buy new sneakers first.

Sorry I got all serious on you.  I promise I'll post something inane tomorrow.  Like the time I tried to peel a grapefruit...or the time I ate a lime thinking it would be sweet...or the time I almost drove into a fence...or the time...you get the idea.
   

Wednesday Truths

Yesterday I subbed for an inclusion assistant.  You can read about my earlier adventures in subbing here.  I did close to nothing babysat all day and it was the longest 6 hours of my life.  Reminiscent of when I worked the fitting room at Old Navy at 9:00 AM on weekday mornings.  There is only a certain number of times you can put on a runway show for one before you feel stupid.

I've had a very busy last four days so Monday night I was going to turn my phone off so I wouldn't hear any calls about subbing.  I know it had only been one day and it's way too soon to start ignoring calls for work.  So I left my phone on and got called to sub.  I went back into my room to start getting ready and there was a HUGE spider crawling on my bed blankets.  I really wanted to take a photo because it was seriously large but I couldn't risk it getting away.  It needed to die ASAP.  So for the second day in a row, I found myself murdering a spider.

I hung out in 6th grade for the day.  The kids were preparing for a play about ancient civilizations so they talked about Athens and Sparta all day.  Every time I heard the word Sparta, I was all, "I AM SPARTA!" in my head and I wanted to laugh out loud.

After school, I played grown up and FINALLY did my taxes (at my parent's house so I got a free dinner and free laundry).  Sadly, I owe money for state taxes and am getting a pittance back from the Feds so no iPad reward.  (Every year I buy myself a present with my tax refund.  It's like Christmas 2.0!)

Before I left my parent's house last night, a spider descended from the ceiling fan, riding on its web spinning, string thing. (I'm sure there is a proper name for this.)  I saw it dangling in the air and tried to coax my dog into eating it.  She was having none of that.  For the THIRD time in two days I murdered a spider.  At what point do I become a spider serial killer?  And will someone please lie to me and tell me that all of these spiders mean good luck is coming my way.

When I got home last night, I had a voicemail about subbing for today.  I didn't call back.  But I'm justifying it by the fact that I should be rewarded for doing my taxes, I needed a good nights sleep like whoa, and I will be all kinds of productive today.  GTL baby!  If "T" stands for "the bank."  Also grocery shopping and tutoring...in the rain...although my raincoat is in my car and I am in my warm, dry apartment.  Can we say dilemma?

Amy Does Subbing: Day One

My recap as promised.

6:32 AM  The phone rings and I don't know what is happening.  I manage to grab it, stumble out of bed into the other room (which is the only room in my apt. where I get cell service) and agree to play teacher for the day.

6:33 AM  Not quite conscious yet, I try to do the math to see if I have time to go back to sleep.  I don't.

7:15 AM  I realize that avoiding laundry has finally caught up to me.  I put on pants.  Just pants.

7:20 AM  Blow dry my hair wearing only pants.

7:30 AM  Remind myself I cannot leave the house without a shirt.  Dig a shirt out of some clean(?) laundry on the floor.  No judgement!

7:45 AM  Make this for lunch.  Are you jealous?  Don't fret it's only raspberry jam.

8:30 AM  Decide I don't like 5th graders.

8:31 AM  Reconsider teacher career.

10:00 AM  Murdered a spider after two girls screamed while watering the class plants.

12:30 PM  Was ignored by the staff at lunch.  Took photos in the bathroom so I could mock them.  (There was a third sign across from the toilet.)

Noted.

1:30 PM  Watched a video about coral polyps.  File under: Things I never needed to know.

2:00 PM  Best part of the day.  During Social Studies:

Amy:  What is the Constitution?

Student:  It's a stool.

Amy: blink blink  What?  No.

Student:  Yeah it's a stool.  With the seat and the three legs.  The three different parts.

Amy: OH...You mean it's like a stool.  The three branches of government are the legs.  The stool is a metaphor.

Student: blink blink What?

Amy:  face palm

2:45 PM  Leave school.

2:55 PM  Return to school to retrieve my water bottle.

After school I needed a nap like whoa but I played basketball threw a basketball at a net and went for a walk with K to enjoy the beautiful day.

Basically, I'm Famous

Today I am the featured guest poster over at Jumble Mash!  Be jealous.

She published my  "Open Letter to Minivan Owners and Operators" post from the award winning series Nobody Writes Letters Anymore.

Sorry I didn't make you aware of my awesomeness earlier but I played teacher today.

  

Guess Who Is Being A Productive Member Of Society Today?

This girl.

Don't blow it Amy.

Recap to come...obv.


   

Six on Sunday: Ornithology Edition

FYI:  In my spare time I'm kind of a bird whisperer.

1.  "I'll chew your finger off if you don't get away from that puddle.  My kids want to go swimming."

2.  "U-G-L-Y I ain't got no alibi, I'm ugly.  Oh and I used to be a dinosaur."

3.  "You talkin' to me?  Who the fuck do you think your talkin' to?" 

4.  "Yes, I'm going to swallow it whole.  What?"

5.  "You fuck my wife?  You fuck my wife?"

6.  "I'm sorry.  All I heard was blah, blah, blah, I'm a dirty tramp."